Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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