If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
