Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
