I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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