She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
