I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
