on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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