does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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