It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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