I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
