We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
