im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
