It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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