Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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