haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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