i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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