I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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