Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
