This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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