I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Randomize
