Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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