My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
