I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
