I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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