I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
