This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
