my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize