Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
