whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
