i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
