Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Randomize
