Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize