you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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