Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
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