I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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