No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
