Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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