I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
