By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
