I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Randomize