oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
