i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
