i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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