What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sext me about skeletons
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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