Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
