I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize