god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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