You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I stole a fireplace last night.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
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