I didn't shave. On purpose
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
