I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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