this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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