Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
