dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I need to stop coming to work sober
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
