Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
