I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
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